Poisonous Forethought

I have this scared addiction to the future. Something about it keeps me dwelling in what's not here yet, but it ruins my present mood and deters me from current action. My worry wart just grows and not even liquid nitrogen can burn that puppy off. All someone has to do is implant the smallest seed in my head and I pour fertilizer on it because I can't just sit here and not think about how it will grow and look like. But I'm killing the tedious steps of growth that it naturally would take (or not take) by pumping hormones into it's roots. I don't have faith that it will take shape on its own the way seeds always do, and I have to help it out. Those around me chastise my growing techniques because they see the way it controls my daily life. I am constantly in the greenhouse tending to these thoughts. I can't leave them behind for chance they may do something without my consent. Sounds like control issues, which I won't deny, but often I think it's more than that. I think it is a trust issue in the Supernatural. My heart screams for freedom (as well as those around me), but my hands crave tinkering. It's like a need to burn this greenhouse and turn it into a church, where I can go and worship in these times. I forget it is all in His hands, not mine.